So you’ve decided you need a treadmill.  The doctor has told you that you’re a fat slob and you should get up and do some exercise. You looked into gym memberships, but then decided that you’d be too embarrassed to wear tight clothing and do all that jiggling and sweating in front of other people.  Or maybe it’s winter and you don’t want to go for walks outside so you figure a treadmill is a good alternative.

You hop in your car and head down to the local exercise equipment emporium for a look-see.  As you walk in, the skinny woman behind the counter smiles up at you.  She lets you wander through the vast selection of automated torture devices for about 14 seconds before magically appearing behind you in that annoying silent way that only skinny treadmill salespeople can do.

“Are you looking for a treadmill?” she asks, seemingly oblivious to the fact that you’re both standing in the middle of a 6 by 6 array of treadmills.

“I’m not sure,” you reply.  You’ve seen some of the prices and you were just about to bolt for the door when she showed up.  She knew this, of course.

“We have financing available, so don’t worry too much about the price.  A treadmill is much cheaper than a gym membership, and you’ll have it forever.  I have one myself and use it every day.  I used to be 300 pounds, so I know they work.”

“Uh . . .  Wow,” you stammer, “that’s a bit more than what I weigh.”  You actually have no idea what you weigh because you gave up scales for Lent.

She grins, knowing she’s about four sentences away from arranging delivery.

Of course, this story is totally contrived — even though it happens all the time.  Treadmill salespeople are good at their jobs.  How do I know?  Look up “used treadmill” on any classified ad site.  Oh, and I have a treadmill.

So anyway, let’s say the girl at the treadmill store only managed to sell you a $2000 treadmill.  These things go from about $400 to $8000 where I live (Ontario, Canada), but an informal survey by Me Research (don’t look it up) has shown that you can get a pretty decent one for about two grand — new.

How many times are you really going to use your new treadmill?  This depends on just how serious you are.  Are you really serious about losing weight by walking, jogging, or running?  Really?  I don’t believe you.  Here’s what you should do: Get in your car and drive into the country.  Park your car.  Walk around the block.  Any 2-mile or so country block should do the trick.  Do it again tomorrow.  Do it for two weeks.  If it’s winter, go to the mall and walk up and down the mall at a reasonable pace for half an hour.  If you’re still serious after this and you didn’t skip more than a day or two, then go for the treadmill.

OK wait.  Read the rest of this before you rush out and drop two G’s.

When you get this treadmill home, you’re going to want to put it somewhere where it won’t get in the way.  This would mean the basement or the garage or the laundry room.  Don’t even think about it.  This sucker goes in the same room as your couch and your TV. You were serious, remember?  I’ll leave it up to you to figure out how to convince your significant other of this, but I’m guessing that they could probably stand to use it too.  What better way is there to make sure that you’re going to remember to exercise than having the treadmill right in front of you in the room where you’re committing most of your dietary and health sins?

OK.  Your treadmill’s set up and you’re ready to go.  Well, almost. You’re going to want music with that, right?  Or maybe you’d prefer to watch TV while you’re treading?  I would suggest music, specifically the kind of music that makes you want to get up and move.

Load up the iPod, crack out the dance tunes, and get walking.  Yeah, walking.  Don’t run until you’ve been walking for quite some time. Use the treadmill every day for half an hour, and try to figure out how fast you can go and for how long.  Start off with either no incline or very little.  Try to make it through the whole half hour.  Start at regular walking speed, then increase speed a little bit after each 10 minutes is up.  Write down how fast you went and for how long every day.  If your treadmill shows calories burned, write those down too.

After a couple or three weeks of this, you should be ready to kill yourself.  The scenery isn’t very exciting on the treadmill, and you quickly discover how boring your music selection is. Maybe try the TV?  Any way you slice it, though, it’s work.  And you’ve got a long way to go.  This is about where many people wimp out and move the treadmill to the basement.  Treadmills know this, and they magically get heavier so that you’ll think twice.

If you aren’t a total wuss and you manage to stick to your treadmill workout for a full month, experts tell me that it can become a habit.  Or even addictive.  Just keep telling yourself this and it might just happen.

By month 2 you should be starting to see some changes.  You will become more hungry and you will be showering more.  If you’re really lucky you might have lost some weight, but it’s quite likely that you instead gained muscle, totally negating any benefit that might be measurable by the scale in your bathroom.  Don’t be discouraged. That pesky muscle can only get so big.  Besides, I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that you actually feel good after a workout.  You have, right?  Studies say you do.  Something to do with endorphins — really!

After a few months, you will start to notice improvements in your stamina and (assuming you’re not gorging on potato chips and soft drinks after your workouts) you’ll also notice that you are losing weight.  You will wonder why you’re not losing 9 pounds a week like the people on The Biggest Loser.  Here’s why: You’re not on TV.  Real people should lose a pound or two a week if they’re doing it right. You can lose more, but there are certain elements of nutrition which will be sacrificed if you go too fast.  Remember, 3500 calories is one pound.  You have to burn 3500 calories more than you eat in order to lose one pound.  If you really want to work hard and lose weight fast, please see your doctor.

Treadmills are terrific, but sometimes you just need to do something different.  Walking outside or bicycling are good alternative workouts to break up the monotony. Careful though, cycling uses a couple of your leg muscles a bit more than walking, so you’re gonna be sore if you overdo it.  Which muscles?  I’d hate to spoil it for you. The bike ride’s worth the pain.

A good treadmill will last a long time.  I have had mine for several years.  The belts (the thing you walk on) are durable and the motors are tough.  Remember to lubricate the belt (there’s a kit) and your treadmill should give you years of enjoyment before needing any serious work.  Keep an eye on belt alignment and also check any drive belts for wear.  (probably under the motor housing cover)

Now, imagine if you had gone ahead and bought a treadmill before you were serious.  Just for fun, let’s say you spent $2000.  You used it 4 times the first week, 3 times the next week, then once or twice a week for a couple of months, then you used it daily to hang laundry on.  Total workouts: about 20.  Total cost per workout: $100.  Ouch.  Oh, I forgot: the workouts hurt too. Double ouch.

Oh wait, you say, I’m not that lazy!  OK, say I.  Instead, let’s assume you use your treadmill twice a week for a year.  Total workouts: 100 (You went on vacation, didn’t you.)  Total cost per workout: $20.  Ow.

You see where this is going, right?  You have to use this thing for YEARS to make it worthwhile.  If you’re not prepared to do that, I’d stick to going for a walk outside.  But if you’re serious — really serious — about getting in shape and staying in shape, and you don’t want to miss your workout just because the weather’s bad…  Go ahead and get that treadmill.  Being in shape is hard work at first, but after a while it becomes a real labour of love.  Exercise feels great once you’re used to it.  Nothing beats the natural high you get from a serious workout.